


For a heart in a heartless town

by carpediorma



Category: Original Work
Genre: Angst, Friends to Enemies to Lovers, M/M, Mutual Pining
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-20
Updated: 2019-07-21
Packaged: 2020-03-08 09:43:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,485
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18892075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carpediorma/pseuds/carpediorma
Summary: He knows that just as once he left, now he has to go back. “Our town is like a tree”, his grandmother used to say, “it doesn’t matter how far the branches reach, they’re always attached to it.”





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> I should be sleeping, studying or writing my other stories, but no. Here have yet another story about characters who are sad and suck at communication. Thanks for reading!

Five years have passed when he feels it, and it is as sudden as the feeling he got when he discovered he had to leave, five years before. It’s not the same, though, the restlessness of that time replaced by grieve and uncertainty. A weight set above his chest, makes it hard to breathe.

 

At five o’clock in the afternoon of a Tuesday, Toby is flooded with homesickness in his own home. A shitty apartment he pays too much for, of course, but his home nonetheless. He had thought it was enough.

 

He knows that he has to follow those feelings, what they tell him. He knows that just as once he left, now he has to go back. _“Our town is like a tree”_ , his grandmother used to say, _“it doesn’t matter how far the branches reach, they’re always attached to it.”_

 

His grandmother had seemed like a tree to him, too, when he was younger. Strong and vivacious despite the hardships, eternal despite the many years. When she didn’t wake up one day, he was proved wrong.

 

It seemed Toby was wrong about a lot of things, a lot of the time. He was wrong when he thought Julian would want him back; and when he thought he could give his pretty co-worker what she wanted from him, was wrong about that too. He might as well had been wrong when he decided to launch his exodus. Toby Smith hears a choir in his head, a harsh voice chanting _wrong_ , _wrong_ , _wrong_.

 

He buys a second hand suit with the money he has been saving up; what for, he doesn’t remember anymore. His mind is now in his town, the lapse between his departure and his return no longer matters.

 

He wants to make himself look decent. He cuts his hair, he shaves his beard. When he looks at his reflection, it shows him the same tired eyes, full of exhaustion he isn't able to shake off.

 

Toby buys a bus ticket with the few bucks he has left. The trip is long and miserable. The seats are thin and uncomfortable, so his back hurts; his head is throbbing, full of thoughts that won't leave him rest. After five hours of turns and stops, he's dropped at his town.

 

Five years have passed and everything is the same. At least, they have that in common.

 

There's still no sign which indicates its existence to the travelers that pass by; no lights showing its path, either. The tree where he used to play with Julian when they were kids stands there, robust and vigorous and _alive_.

 

 _“That's what's important, Toby”_ , Julian said a few months before he left, _“we're living right now, here, together. We've got a chance, we need no more.”_   Turns out Toby had needed, yearned something else.


	2. Guilty as charged

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Toby wants, wants, wants.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uni has been hell and I'm a unorganized mess, that's why this took so long. Thanks for reading, hope it isn't so bad!

The walk home is long, and it feels even longer.

 

His legs are heavy and his head feels cloudy, exhaustion makes it hard to coordinate his movements. He feels like all the dirt from the dusty road settles atop of him, slowing him down.

 

There's a knife on his side, a nail on his temple, a thorn in his foot.

 

There's a house, not his own.

 

And then, there's a girl.

* * *

 

"You don't look the same."

 

"I was thirteen when you left." She smiles as she puts the kettle on the stove, her long hair flowing with her every movement. "You, however, look the same. Only worse."

 

Toby has so much to say, so much to ask. Words get stuck inside his esophagus, like mud, and all that leaves his mouth is a sigh.

 

The house looks the same. The pictures that decorate the walls haven't changed since the last time he was there. He is in one of them, with Julian smiling right beside him.

 

Lucy catches his sight and smiles. There's something cruel in it.

 

"You used to have the prettiest eyes in the whole town, I remember. They don't shine as much now."

 

"Yeah, sorry." _For hurting, you and your brother._ He doesn't say.

 

 _I couldn't care less for your apologies_ , her eyes seem to answer.

 

"He won't be happy to see you. I hope you're ready." She states, calmly. "I can't imagine what you're looking for, but I know that whatever you're trying to achieve, it isn't going to happen."

 

"I just wanted to say hi and sorry. To you and Julian."

 

"Too bad this isn't just about what you want, right?" Lucy says, humorless. "You don't have to apologize to me, though, I was hardly hurt by your departure. I really didn't know you, to be honest, apart from all the adventures my brother used to tell me, all those escapades you both were adamant I was part of. After you had left, no anecdotes were brought back again. And that's how you faded away, to me, at least."

 

 _I feel like I faded away too_ , Toby wants to say, _I feel like a washed off version of myself_.

 

"I have to confess your leave was a blessing to me." And at Toby's confusion, she elaborates. "You see, once I was old enough to leave my childhood ingenuity behind, I felt awful for Julian. Being so young and having to assume responsibility for the household, taking care of his sick mother and basically raising his younger sister. On top of everything, there was I, another burden he had dealt with! When you left, I was glad you took that place for me. I could never be able to hurt him, to haunt him, as bad as your absence did."

* * *

 

"I'll go settling the guest room for you. I advise you to rest well. The day starts early, and there's a lot of work! New hands are always welcome, no matter who they belong to!"

 

Lucy disappears into the hallway and Toby wonders if this was the right decision. He could stand up, walk to the door and head to whatever is left of his old house. Three easy steps to escape, to run away again. But he's tired of leaving without a single word.

 

The last night Toby spent in town, he spent it dinning with Julian's family. He promised he would come back later to eat his mother's cake and that he would read the new story Lucy was writing, he smiled at Julian when he told him "see you tomorrow." And then he took a bus as soon as the sun was rising.

 

In the past years, Toby has clung to every little thing his mind refused to forget about Julian. The brightness of his eyes, the earnestness of his smile; his voice, his laugh, his hands. He knows the Julian he's about to see won't be like that, that he will feel like a shadow of the image he has cherished for so long.

 

He doesn't have a speech rehearsed, no words perfectly selected to explain the situation, to excuse himself. It would have been futile, he realizes then, given that the moment Julian walks through the door, Toby goes completely blank.

 

At first, Julian doesn't seem to realize he's there. Toby takes time to take in the sight of him, his eyes grasping every little thing that has changed and has stayed the same in Julian, saving all the details to relish them later.

 

Julian takes off his ratty jacket.

 

He sighs.

 

He notices the two cups on the table.

 

He turns around.

* * *

 

Toby expects screams. A nasty sneer. Insults, even though Julian used to hate foul language when they were younger.

 

He waits for Julian's face to distort with disgust. He can almost imagine the way exasperation creeps in his eyes and settles in his frowned brows.

 

He doesn't get any.

 

Julian looks at him like he's never seen him before, a weird event, something he didn't think as possible or real. Then, his strange expression is gone, and he shuts down, his face is completely blank.

 

Julian, who used to be so transparent, whose feelings were there for everyone to see at all times, becomes as hard as a stone.

 

"A family lives in your house now. No one thought you would be back." Julian says, and his voice lacks all warmth, all liveliness that made Toby buzzed up inside. It feels hollow and strange, like it's coming from inside a cave, far away and not right in front of him.

 

Toby wants to talk to him; not about his old house, nor Julian's job. He doesn't want to acknowledge the dark and big marks under their eyes, not even mention how old and rattled they both look. How time has weighed them down.

 

He doesn't want to speak about how it hurts, his mistake, even though he's finally seeing Julian again. He feels it would be impolite to say he missed him.

 

And once again, against his initial intention, Toby says nothing.


End file.
